Restless

"Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light"
 ...are the beginning lyrics to the song "One Thing" by Finger Eleven.  While the rest of the song doesn't really pertain to how I am feeling, those beginning lines really seem to ring true for me lately.  Lately I have been feeling like I am not as successful as I want to be.  I have a fantastic marriage, beautiful, well behaved children (at least on most days), but I am missing the business side of things that I think will make the holy trinity of me complete.  So I am left with this restless feeling inside of me that I have so much left to accomplish in this lifetime but not quite sure how to get there or where "there" really is.

When I told my mom recently that I wish I was contributing more to my family financially she pointed out that I was contributing by raising two great children that will grow up to be wonderful members of society.... or something to that effect.  She is right (yes mom, I am saying publicly that you are right) that is important and not a role I take lightly.  So why do I still have this feeling of wanting more?

Part of the reason could be because if I could rate myself as a SAHM, I would probably give myself a C+.  I think I have the wife part down okay, and most days I think I have the mom part down alright, but it is everything in between that after a year and a half I still stink at.  What I am talking about is the cooking, the cleaning, the organizing, the baking, the doing crafts with kids, arranging play-dates, etc.  There is definite rooms for improvement in those areas that I can't honestly say I ever picture myself being good at any of that.  It's just not in my makeup.  I feel that is why I gravitate towards business.  That is in my genetic makeup being the product of two full time workaholics.

I believe most people work because they have to but some people work because they want to.  Our family has gotten by okay without me working full time.  My Net Owl Media business has been coming along and providing for a bit of income as well.  But I always feel like there's more out there that can be done.  Not even for monetary reasons, but I want to see it flourish.  For us to be the ones that businesses in the area think of first for their online marketing needs.  We're not there yet, but I have full confidence we will get there.

Not only do I want our business to grow and be successful, but I want Muskegon to as well.  I know Muskegon can be bigger and better than what it is right now.  We live in such an amazingly beautiful area with so many untapped talents and resources.  It is by choice that I live here and I want it to reach its maximum potential.  I want to be apart of a movement to heighten the city's morale, get new industries in the area to create jobs, and get people moving TO muskegon instead of away from.  

So I am left with feeling like there is always work that needs to be done.  This is what keeps me up at night and makes me wish I got more done during the daylight hours.  I have got that drive inside of me... just have to keep working to get where I want to be.